ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
