We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
