Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
