Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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