There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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