i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
