I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
