She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
