Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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