We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize