She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize