"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
