He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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