i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
