Betty ford says i'm here all night
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
