a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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