she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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