I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
