I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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