Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize