She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize