yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
