Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
