I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
