Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
