I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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