Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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