I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
