youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
