Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
