I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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