I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
