I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
