i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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