your parents love me but you hate me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
