she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
