trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
