My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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