im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
