Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
