I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
