yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
