How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
