pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
