I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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