Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
