Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
