i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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