too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize