Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
