Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
