Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
