I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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