How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
