why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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