You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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