Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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