this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
