I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
