She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
